April 28th

So I went over to a friend's place for enchiladas on Sunday night. Before I was about to head home, my friend (MC) drew me into her room to have a private conversation, while others were still sitting outside chatting.

MC started off with some awkward small talk, before she started to ask the real questions she wanted to ask all night- why was she the last to know I was gay.

This came as a surprised, as I came out to MC months ago- so I'm wondering why she's bringing this issue up now?

Apparently, she was too shock to say anything then; so she's waited until now to talk to me.

The main purpose of her wanting to talk to me in private was to let me know her christian views on my lifestyle. A few excerpts from our conversation:

"I feel sorry for you." (I asked why, but her answers were inconclusive.)

"You can't be christian and gay at the same time....You're living in sin."

"Have you ever tried to be straight....what steps did you take to do so?"

"Are you sure you're going to heaven?"

"Do you know the devil exist?"

"Why are you and Gym Buddy spending so much time together. I think you guys are encouraging each other in this sinful lifestyle."

This all sounds very "finger pointing" to me. I tried to remain calm, but I was very annoyed inside. She made me feel as if I haven't struggled enough with coming out and being gay. She made it sound as if I haven't had a good think about my homosexuality, and how sinful it was.

Believe me, I've been through all these questions (and more) in my head. I have my answers to some questions, but not all. But making me feel like she's more righteous than me- that was offensive!

One thing that really intrigues me, is why she wants to know I didn't come out to her sooner- and if I was ever going to come out to her at all.

The truth was, among our friends, we thought that MC used to "like" me- and that telling her would have devastate her. We sort of made a collective decision not to tell her.

I came out to her eventually because it was unfair that all my friends knew and she didn't. (We all knew she was going to know sooner or later anyway- we just didn't know when was a good time to tell her.)

There's two reasons why I think she's asked me that question:

(1) She thinks she's been chosen by God as a "messenger" to "rebuk"e me, but the "devil" has delayed this by preventing her from knowing I was gay.

She asked if I was ever going to come out to her. If I had answered no, it confirms that "the devil" was indeed working in me to prevent her from knowing. (At which point she will go "ah hah! I knew it!"

(2) She's devastated by the news that I'm gay, but the only way for her to express her frustration was by "rebuking" me. [Somehow, I don't think she was that into me- but either way, I don't think it matters.]

What really puzzles me, is why she's saying all these things to me now. I've been with christians all my life- and I know that real christians approach sin with a lot of love and encouragement (or should do anyway). Her approach had a definite tone of "finger-pointing", self-righteousness and maybe anger. (I'm quite used to things like that- but when a close friend does it to you, you really wonder why.)

A side note to christians out there: Remember that homosexuals live with the feeling of same sex attraction 24/7. We know more about homosexuality than you do. We struggle with it. And if we had a choice, we would have chosen a normal straight life.

Your negativity towards people who are gay does not help you achieve what you wish to achieve. The only way for you to show your concern, is by showing your love and your encouragement, and your willingness to accept us as human beings, and as an equal. As soon as you show signs that "you are better than us", we loose faith in what you preach.

Because as far as I can remember, Jesus rebuked only two types of people: the self-righteous Pharisees, and the devil.